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A Harsh Look At E3 2014: After the Fact

E3, a smorgasbord of gaming delights watched by MILLIONS and MILLIONS of gamers worldwide. All the big names show up in style to show us some trailers or gameplay of their respected franchises, new and old. What’s not to like? Well…if you’re me, there is quite a lot NOT to like. In both the actual conferences and the pseudo-“journalism” that takes place during and after the show.

I’ll start with the basics: Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo gave their conferences in that order. MS on Monday morning, Sony on Monday night, and Nintendo on Tuesday morning. The show goes for four days, Monday – Thursday. Why not have each fucking company get one day to revel in gaming glory? There’s your first problem. Second problem is that Nintendo gets its own day all to itself. I’ll touch on Nintendo in minute, but I just don’t think that’s very fair. (Disclaimer: Life isn’t fair, fuck you. – RC)

Microsoft: HALO 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 all coming to the XBOX One. Oh fucking joy. Can we please move on from Baby’s First FPS and create something more visionary? The first couple Halos, yes…true vision, amazing for their time. Unfortunately, if a game sells more than 10 copies you can be sure that the studios are beginning to code the fucking sequel. Next up of course is Fable: Legends, which I cannot lie when I say I would love to play. Fable games have been hit or miss with gamers, but I love them all. That might be contradictory to what I just said about Halo, but I don’t give a fuck, Fable is about as original as you can get in story and setting. Of course, there was another fucking Forza game. Forza can be cool, but they’ve begun delving into the “Dubstep generation” with the Horizon series. It’s just not the tight simulator it used to be. New games-wise, Sunset Overdrive looks like a clone of Infamous mixed with an almost Borderlands-esque setting. They showed Tom Clancy’s The Division, which isn’t an exclusive. The Division is one of the games I’m most excited about. It looks gorgeous and refined. Other than that, everything else was pretty uneventful in their showing.

Sony: The conference itself was plagued with technical problems and audio mishaps (HULK SMASH!). Regardless, they had a very strong showing. This isn’t bias because a PS4 is the only next-gen console I own, it’s just the truth. They showed Destiny, the new IP from Bungie (which I played in the Alpha) which is a Phantasy Star Online/Halo/Mass Effect/Borderlands hybrid. The game can get ridiculously tedious if played alone, but if you’re in a “FIRETEAM”, then the game really becomes fun. Little Big Planet 3 was shown, which looked like the other LBPs. I’ll play those games once in a blue moon, but other than new characters that do stuff like flying and shit, nothing really new gameplay-wise. There was Bloodbourne, which is the spiritual successor to the Dark Souls series. The trailer looked pretty good, but the gameplay that was recorded off-screen had EXTREME framerate issues, which was disappointing. If they can fix those issues then the game will be one of the gems this generation. They talked about some stupid fucking TV show called “Powers”, which was of no fucking interest to me. Then after that, we got to the meat of the situation. Grand Theft Auto V was revealed to be coming to all the next-gen platforms, pretty excited about that. Then, Batman: Arkham Knight gameplay. OH MY FUCKING GOD! Amazing as always (there’s my bias). An obviously CG Uncharted trailer was shown. I love Naughty Dog as much as the next guy, but that was NOT gameplay, sorry. Quit using “in-engine” to fucking justify bullshots to fans, it’s shitty business. They showed the remastered The Last Of Us, which looked oddly fucking similar to the PS3 version, except it comes with all the DLC. All in all, a good showing.

Nintendo: Here we are, the literal KING of video games. What do they decide to show? THE SAME FUCKING GAMES THAT THEY HAVE SHOWN FOR THE LAST 30 FUCKING YEARS. Mario, Zelda, Super Smash Bros., Starfox, etc. Yes, they showed a few new games. Like Splatoon, which is all about paint…kinda like Mario Paint…hmmmmm. Anyway, they have been rehashing the same games for years and people who are devoted Nintendo fans say the same about Sony and Microsoft. Fact is that even with Halo 2 or Uncharted 2 or Dark Souls 2, the story is ALWAYS different. The dynamic is forever is shifting paradigm. Nintendo however have two huge markets, Mario and Zelda, which are about the SAME FUCKING THING. Save the princess from the powerful bad guy. Both games. One is Italian and the other is a closeted homo-Elf that is too insecure to come out to Zelda. This company could do SO much more that is hurts to watch sometimes. The worse part is that immediately after the showing, everyone was proclaiming that Nintendo won E3 because they showed more games that were exclusive. You’re kidding right? They’ve had a 20 year head start to pump out exclusives, of course they have more exclusives you fucking dolts. NASA has sent more people to space than SpaceX, Elon Musk is a fucking hack, right? Nintendo got ONE WHOLE DAY to themselves to show off their creativity and what do they decide to do? Show Mario, show Zelda, show Starfox, show rehash after fucking rehash. Like I said earlier, the difference between a rehash and a sequel is that the overall story is either different or lightly borrowing from the previous installment. Nintendo have a pattern that is hard to argue with. They also have a license to print money, so whatever I say won’t sway the millions of people who buy or will buy a WiiU just so they can play the 90th incarnation of the Mario Bros.

There you have it, my take on E3. I didn’t touch on the developer’s conferences because unless you make consoles, you’re simply working for the man.

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